But the greatest is…

 ​As I begin to mentally and physically wrap up my year at Dunlaps, I like to take time to reflect, as I always do. 

And you’d think I’d be all thoughts and feels about it regarding our 150th year. 

And I am.

But I’m… not.

It's been a year, my friends. A long, not easy, muddled, exhausting year.

Stiffed money, scammed majorly, mistreated at times by people who refuse to take ownership of their own actions. It is crazy easy for me to find the hard this year. 

I always do this to myself. It’s probably why I continue to grow more and more pessimistic as time marches on, which I hate. I always play a situation up. I have high expectations and a vision for something and it falls not just some short, but so much short of what I thought it would be that I’m thoroughly disappointed.

 

I've been struggling a lot with understanding systems and schools of thought. 

Questioning every move I make. Trying to see why there would be an option 2 and 3 and 4 in the first place. Weighing all of them out. Trying to understand why I think I agree with it, but also why someone may disagree. 

I feel that sometimes when I ask questions, my issue is kind of “canary in a coal mine.” 

There’s a problem - a dead canary - but then I uncover also a bigger problem -no oxygen in the mine - when I start digging further. 

I'm so tired of having to discern every single thing I have to do. 

As a mother, as a woman, as a wife, as a business owner, as a consumer, as a resident of a developed country. 

I wish I could trust these systems or schools of thoughts. I wish I could trust more in general. 

In a weird twisted way, it's like I'm so guarded all the time, I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT love anything. 

What a ridiculous problem.

I immediately have to (at minimum) not like it before I start to give it a chance. I can go into lots and lots of details and specifics about different aspects - business, personal life, society, government, sources....  And I honestly probably will some day.

But late last week one day, as I’m discerning the girl’s education and grading system (for the thirteenth straight month, mind you) I look up to check the time.

A little after 2 PM. And I know soon I’ll get a phone call. 

My work phone has caller ID and programmed into one of those numbers, there is no number -- just a first name. It's my buddy, “Ronnie***” 

I wrote about Ronnie awhile back. You can find that story here. He continues to be such a blessing I can’t help but write of him again. 

Last week one day, while sitting at my desk, frustrated, trying to piece together some something while looking at the girl's report cards, he calls, just like he does every single day. 

I never know exactly what we are going to talk about. 

He may ask if I rooted for Tennessee, he’ll tell me he is going to make animal noises and I have to guess what it is (best turkey gobble by the way), he’ll tell me about the prize he won at Bingo at The Center earlier that day, we’ll chat about the rain or the heat... 

You just never know with Ronnie.

But one thing I do know, is how Ronnie always ends our calls. Blowing me kisses - pucker sounds over the phone all the way from Alabama - and his famous, “I love you, Amantha.”

My response is ... or was... always, “Back at ya, buddy. Be good.”

And then he asks, sometimes with an excited stutter, “I-I t-t-talk to you tomorrow?” And I say, “Yes, we’ll talk tomorrow.”

I never said “I love you too, Ronnie.” 

Because I “save that?” Ummm... I don’t know, really.

Because I don’t love him? I don’t know if that’s exactly why either.

Because I am so damn guarded about every thing I say to people and how I have to make sure my moves are calculated as to not hurt myself, my family, or others? Because I discern every thing - big or small - ALL. THE. TIME. 

Yep.

That’s it. 

So one day last week, when Ronnie started his send off, he blew me kisses and he said "I love you, Amantha" I responded with “I love you too, Ronnie.” 

He didn’t act differently; I’m not even sure he noticed. 

And that’s okay. 

Was I tired?

Maybe.

But it felt good for a second. 

We need a little more love in this world. 

It’s an awful shitty place once in a while. 

Ronnie cut and signed a star years and years ago and tacked it up on the old beam in the mill. It's covered in dust now, but it's still there. And Ronnie still calls. 

It's a reminder that some things don't have to be so perfect, so complex, so complicated, so "just so." 

And if I can’t let someone loyal and loving like Ronnie into my heart, then who can I let in?

A wise man once told me that he always before leaving a conversation of someone he cared about with “I love you.” 

He told me that some people thought it made him look like less of a man or an “abuser” of the phrase, thus making it sound or feel not significant when he did want to mean it. 

But he said it didn’t matter. 

He never wanted to wake up and one day question himself what the last thing he said to them was… he would know it was “I love you” and he would know he meant it. 

And that was all that mattered.

He’s been gone 9 years this spring. 

And I can’t remember what the last thing I said to him was, but I do know what the last thing he said to me was….

There’s a lot to be angry about right now. Globally and, unfortunately, even right in your sweet innocent hometown… in terms of money and in terms of religion and in terms of power and control…. From red dyes to after affects of horrific events to a broken and sickening medical system coupled with an insanely corrupt insurance system to a little hometown school's grading scale without numbers this ex-teacher can't seem to grasp … it’s a lot, friends. 

You can only imagine my smile toward Heaven this past weekend when I heard the gospel: 

"Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?" 
He said to him,
"You shall love the Lord, your God,
with all your heart,
with all your soul,
and with all your mind.
This is the greatest and the first commandment.
The second is like it:
You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 
The whole law and the prophets depend on these two commandments."

Spread a little love today if you can. 

And be open to receive a little love too. 

We all deserve a genuine dose of grace now and then. 

I hope you find yours this week. 

I think I found a touch (or two) of mine. 

Love always,

Samantha